And all I can do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme

I’d like to bitch about my workload, but it is minimal. I’d also like to bitch about work itself, but it isn’t actually that bad at the moment. So in short, I have nothing to really complain about. Oh wait, yes I do!

I’m worried that I have no passion for anything (ACADEMICALLY). Not lately, I’ve always had this problem. I’ll be into something for awhile, but then my interest will drop and I’ll want to try something new. This has left me a bit confused, because one week I’ll think that being a journalist would be awesome, then the next week I’ll want to be a marketer, then the next it’ll be a novelist, or something like that. Whatever job I do get, I’ll need it to have enough variation to constantly pique my interest. But possibly more concerning is that I have no drive to succeed. I’ll be thinking “Yeah earning 6 figure money’d be grand” but not take any pains to do it. It also doesn’t help that I have no idea whatsoever where my degree path will take me, which makes it hard to aim for a specific thing. Fi assures me I am not alone in my concern, which helps. Misery loves company, after all, although misery is a fairly strong word.

Fi’s mum and step-dad continue to worry me. Fi’s mum constantly expresses her desire for Fi to excel, but takes absolutely no action to influence this. She also never seems happy, at least when Fi is in the room. The pattern will be that she will arrive home, and immediately find something Fi has done or not done to complain about. Typically this is something trivial, but I dread the day that she complains about something that is her own responsibility, because I don’t think I’ll be able to hold in my biting retort. The dog they recently purchased is a key candidate in this, and if she ever starts grilling Fi because Fi didn’t walk it or feed it, I swear I’ll blow my top.
Fi’s mother is small bananas when compared with her step-dad, Mike. I know exactly what kind of child he was, too. He was the schoolyard bully, the stereotypical big kid on the block, who pushed kids like me around and made them feel worthless. I come to this conclusion through his behaviour as an adult, which includes always wanting his own way, demanding to be in control of any situation, talking in an exceedingly one-sided manner (in that he will outright ignore your words unless they support his point of view) and using his physicality to solve problems or to make himself feel better. Just the man in his entirety irritates me, with his ignorant opinions, forceful manner and selfish ways. It was his idea to get their dog (which I believe caused a recent dip in Fi’s grades) which he then casually handballed all responsibility for to Fi. He also picks the damn thing up and treats it like a human, which I am sure will lead to discipline issues down the track. Neither he nor Gillian (Fi’s mother) have properly housetrained it, nor have they desexed it. This itself shows ignorance (they believe they’ll be able to mate it, but obviously this will be difficult, considering the glut in the Australian poodle market right now, I’ve done my damn research) but I suppose I shouldn’t get so angry. I just wish Fi had parents that reflected and explained her brilliance, rather than being the antithesis to it. She deserves better than she has, and it makes me feel so impotent knowing that I can’t do anything about her situation.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get in trouble with Fi about bitching about her guardians, I don’t really have a right to you see but sometimes it feels good to get things off your chest.  I’ve got a few other people I’d like to complain about, but they are much less likely to read this than Gillian and Mike. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents.

I’m sorry about the recent drop in posts, because although I’ve had a lot of free time, I’m very lazy.

Goodnight, everybody!

*cough* *wheeze*

Well uni is back in, and I can’t remember the last time I posted on this, but hopefully you people have awaited my return with baited (bated?) breath.
I’m doing 2 philosophy courses this semester, more for a bit of a break I think than any real interest in pursuing it as a career. Don’t get me wrong, however, I do enjoy philosophy, just that I don’t think my natural abilities lie in that direction.
The first subject is called “Mind and World” and seeks to discuss various forms and reasoning behind human behaviour, and probes a little into why we do things and whether we have any real choice or freedom in our lives. Currently we’re learning about Determinism, which is a thesis that states that if all our actions are determined by past events and experiences, then how can we say that we have true freedom? Certainly if our actions are determined before we make them, then that indicates we aren’t, indeed, free at all? As my friend aptly pointed out, in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we as rational, conscious beings believe that we are free. Although the entire concept of free will may well prove farcical, it will still keep us going if we weave the illusion that free will exists.

The second philosophy topic is Argument and Critical Thinking, which strikes me as strange, because there doesn’t seem to be very much philosophy involved. I suppose perhaps it seeks to investigate the structure behind argument, and tries to help us in forming our own, but that’s more of an English thing, isn’t it? Ah who cares. It does seem somewhat intriguing, and hopefully will help me in my argumentative pursuits in the future.

Moving on from university, I have been ruminating lately on hardcore gamers. Specifically those famous cases in which the gamer has literally played to death, usually engaged in playing a MMORPG or similar. The media usually say it’s a tragic case blah blah, and decry the game and it’s makers for luring the young (man is usually the case here) person into death with their seductive levelling system and whorish character options. What they never seem to ask is (and this I think is quite a pertinent question) why the person was so addicted to the game in the first place? I mean I’ve been enveloped by a game before, it’s sucked me in, got me playing it frequently, loving the characters and so forth, but it’s never distracted me from real life. Either these people sport far more addictive personalities than I do, or it is something rather more sinister (from the Latin meaning left, I believe this bastardization came about from the rumours that those who wrote with their left hand, or indeed had their dominant hand as left, where either wrong in some way or possessed by the Devil/demon of some kind). That more sinister alternative I think is that clearly, the game world offers more both socially and mentally to the player than real life. What kind of crapsack world do we live in where a fantasy world offers a more fulfilling life experience than real life itself? I mean real life can sometimes really suck, I understand, but there are good things too! Like burgers, and and and sleeping in! And waking up on Sunday realizing you have nothing at all to do and nowhere to be. You can just stay in bed, in your PJs all day if you want to! Or going out with friends and acting like a douche while wearing a Hungry Jacks crown and then getting photographed! My point is I suppose that the media seem to believe that it is the gamer who has rejected reality, and not that it was indeed the real world that first turned away the gamer. Luckily, I suppose, the death rate from the abuse of the gamers is low, with only a couple of cases, but still.

Well that’s my rant for this post, if you disagree with my views, or maybe wish to add to them in some way, don’t hesitate to comment and I shall endeavour to reply posthaste!

Je ne sais quoi?

We need help, the Poet reckoned.

Why the capital P? I’ll let you work that out.

Mum bought these tiny cheesecake cubes which I’ve been gorging myself on lately. They’re alright but they have  a chemical aftertaste which isn’t as nice as the regular stuff she buys.

Cheesecake! My favourite dessert!
A standard vanilla filling with a chocolate dressing and biscuit base is the best, but really I’ll take whatever I can get. It’s lighter in nature than cake but it’s sweet enough and (if it’s done properly) the biscuit really helps to offset how sweet it is. Like eating an icecream sandwich, but instead of bread, there’s AWESOME.

I’m trying to brainstorm ideas as to what kind of career I’d like. It’d have to be something at least somewhat related to marketing. I’ve found that I lose interest in work if I’ve done the same thing for a long period of time, so whatever it was would have to be sufficiently different from day to day to continue piquing my interest. I guess that’s another reason why marketing would be a good career path for me, because each project I’d be on would require a new method of thinking and different applications of my skills. Well, that’s what I think it’d be like. Maybe it isn’t like that at all?

Mum brought home Krispy Kreme doughnuts today! Deliciously glazed and all that, however, I am now feeling slightly ill. Maybe I ate too much..urk…

Anyway, that’s all for now! Farewell!

The road was long, I have come as I could

Well, the exam was…interesting.
It was easier than I thought it would be, because of my rather intense study of the two sample exams. I had guessed that the exam would be a combination of the two, and I believe I was right. The good thing from this is that nothing in the exam was particularly surprising, apart from the damn first question. That one lowered my confidence a few shades, I can tell you.

The rest of the questions however I could at least do some of, and understood what was supposed to be done. After I’d finished the test and checked it through twice (making a few choice corrections) I estimated the marks I would receive on each question and added up to get a total. This total was significantly higher than 50%. Unless my estimations are grossly out of sorts, I should pass accounting. Hoorah!

A short post tonight, for a change.

Farewell!

For we who are about to die, salute you!

Well yes, my accounting exam is tomorrow.

To sum up exactly how confident I am in my ability to pass, earlier today I was seriously considering jumping out my bedroom window to buy time. A broken arm and glass cuts would get me out of it, right?….right?!

I’m trying to think of the worst case scenario if I fail this exam. Because I don’t really know the university’s policy on it I don’t know whether I’ll fail the entire course (and thus fail at life) or have to sit a supp exam, or have to take the class again next semester, or do it over the summer. If anyone knows, please let me know.
Other exams I’m not really worried about, I’ve done all the reading for Info Systems, I seem to be rather competent at Law, and Economics, while never my strong suit, at least has the benefit of me having studied it for two years prior.
The reason why I’m so frightened about Accounting can be summed up in 2 points:
1: I’ve been trying to do the sample exams, and nothing in them seems to correspond with the revision I’ve done. Each question brings up new concepts that I was unaware of and now have to get my head around. It’s frustrating to think you’re getting somewhere and then another roadblock gets thrown in your face.
2: I never really got accounting. I don’t even really understand balance sheets. This is mainly because I have difficultly differentiating between assets, liabilities, non-current assets and non-current liabilities. For example: You take out a loan to buy equipment. Now, I’d think I’d buy the equipment within a year of borrowing money (that’s what a current asset/liability is, something that is to be realised within 12 months). So you borrow $10,ooo, that’s $10,000 worth of equipment, right? And $10,000 worth of a loan liability to Bank of Accountancy. So it’s not a fair stretch to have those cancel each other out. But as I’ve found out it’s never that simple, and I don’t know whether to record it as a liability or an asset.

While I’m raging at accounting, what kind of word is liability anyway? Three i’s? It’s hogging all of them! What if I wanted to spell my name like Riis, or Rhis or or or Ris? What then, liability? What then?!
Liabilities is even worse, with 4 i’s, by the way.

Writing it is a pain in the proverbial as well.

Oh, good, I’ve found my jumper. It’s hanging up in my cupboard. Sorry, I was looking around my room and started writing without thinking. I do have a lot of books, don’t I?

Anyway, I’d best try to cram in a few more accounting hours.

Farewell, and if I should somehow have an accident tomorrow on the way to my exam, it will both prove there is a God and that he has a soft spot for me. I hope I don’t die though, otherwise I’d have a very dull epitaph:
“Here lies Rhys, who died while trying to avoid his first year Accounting exam, needless to say he failed that one hardcore. Rest in Peace you excessive bastard.”

3,2,1 let’s jam.

Bah, I hate it when I feel like this.

It’s the old familiar feeling that everything I’m having to deal with right now is overwhelming and I have no hope of dealing with it. That there’s nothing I can do to change my situation and this will be pretty much the common theme throughout the rest of my life. I tell myself that it can’t be, that life can offer more, but at this stage it’s hard to believe.

What’s really strange is that nothing bad has actually happened. Sure, I have a couple of exams coming up soon that I’m concerned about and my wisdom teeth may or may not be a problem, but surely that isn’t anything to be this depressed about, really? I guess I’ve always had this problem, later in the night I get melancholy, and there’s no cure for it but the morning sun. I think it’s made many who I’ve spoken to during this time believe I’m like this all the time, I hope I don’t have that impression on people I engage with during the day. I want to be cheerful, and I know there’s nothing to be really down about, but still I feel this way.
I remember hearing from one of my parents than more people die at 3am in the morning than at any other hour. Somehow that makes sense to my current condition, the body is weakest just before the dawn, when it’s darkest and the day seems like it will never appear. Darkness creeps from the corners of your room, tree branches dance a cruel, grotesque silhouette’s jig behind your curtains, and all those stories you told yourself about the existence of monsters under the bed seem trite and insubstantial. No, I am not surprised most people die then.

I suppose I’ve fallen into my brother’s trap of believing I have no choice in my life anymore. Everyone always has a choice, no matter what our situation, you all know my views on that.

I think I mentioned in one of my posts awhile ago about why I, and people like me, like playing games or reading books, or both. If the book or game is good enough, we can for a few hours pretend we aren’t on earth anymore. We all do this for different reasons, but it must say something about the human condition that we so actively seek an escape from lives that are at the worst triflingly mundane. Even if the main character is in a terrifying situation, or being horribly hurt, some part of us yearns to have that kind of excitement, to be the person whom others read about and go “Wow, he really did that? Damn, and without a leg or an eye too. Wish something interesting would happen to me.” But no, we’re here, and we settle back into our large, leather armchair, clutching our drink of choice and surf through the channels for something good, wondering whether life will get interesting.

I think it’s sad, seeing young people growing up more quickly. I know I’m a bit young to be looking back on the good old days, but I do miss them. I miss not having to care whether I did well academically, having the “big decisions” made for me, being able to ride home in my own time, not having to think about what work I may have forgotten about, when my next shift is, what else I should be worrying over. “Enjoy it while it lasts” is a macabre statement in these circumstances.

Yes, I’m going to go Super-Nerd and quote from J.R.R Tolkien’s The Silmarillion. To put it in context, the last army of dwarves, elves and men have come to fight the forces of ultimate evil, you know, that whole schtick. But they lose, due to superior numbers. But the last man standing is Hurin, last of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, standing on a pile of corpses, wielding a great big axe in both hands. Every time he killed an enemy, he’d say one thing, the armies of shadow bringing with them an unholy pall, making it seem like night. He shouted this seventy times:
“The day shall come again!”

I have to believe that, too.

The world is cyclical? Or…what? I don’t know.

Everyone is of course trying to find something. We all tell ourselves it’s something different than everyone else, makes us feel special. Truth is all our struggles, our successes, our failures, they all add up to us looking for the same thing. Why the hell do we exist?

It can’t be just random evolution patterns adding up, it just can’t. We have to be able to think “Cogito ergo sum” for a reason, and a higher reason than survival of the fittest. Does thinking about why we’re here help us to survive? Or is it a side-effect?
I’ve never believed there could be nothing else out there. I’ve just never been able to contemplate the fact that once we die, we’re gone. We stop thinking, stop loving, stop being. I know it’s not a very popular view right now, and people think you’re a theist pig-dog if you do, but I prefer the idea of a vengeful, cynical, or even apathetic god to there not being one at all. I don’t want me to just stop and there not be anything after. I know people say that because you’re dead it won’t matter either way, but I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about the few minutes or hours before I go, where if I’m even remotely conscious I’ll be shitting myself.
Atheists strike me as brave. Maybe not intentionally so, but they are. Obviously they by believing there is not a God automatically preclude the possibility of an afterlife. Maybe they just don’t have a long-term view that I do, or maybe they just don’t think about what’ll happen when they’re old. I’d really like to see whether they retain their belief when they’re 112 and about to die. To me, the idea that it doesn’t end there would be reaaaal comforting. All the atheists I know are young, so maybe the attribution of theism isn’t people growing wiser with age, it’s just them seeking some kind of pattern or meaning to a world they no longer understand.

There needs to be something, otherwise we cannot live.

A slice of Freudian pie

Blargh, I feel full of unhealthy food. Probably because I am.

I’m working at 9 tonight, and I’m glad I wasn’t asked to come in early like last night, although I probably would’ve said no had they asked.l Teach them to ask me to work more. Humph!
Odd thing though, when I looked at the roster last night, I was down for two shifts in the Produce/Grocery section, which I was neither asked about nor trained in. Turns out (according to my manager) that there’s another guy called Rhys at Woolies who works in Grocery, and they just saw the name Rhys and threw down the shifts. Epic fail Mr. Grocery manager man. But I suppose he had a lot on his plate, trying to get all his work done, I may’ve made the same mistake. At least I managed to resolve the issue this morning after a conversation with my similiarly perplexed manager.

Had a talk with a friend today, he’s also doing Accounting. He was talking to me about how he is almost certainly going to fail the exam. This made me feel bad for him but better for myself, so it kinda evened out into a feeling I like to describe as Blathe. Not good, not bad, but definitely…tolerable.

Anyhoo I’d better go start getting ready for work. Maybe the load will be small tonight? I hope so. Farewell!

I’m not going to say it because a reader has expressed her distaste for that particular sign-off. Do you have a suggestion? Then don’t hesitiate to comment and I will endeavour to change my style of writing to suit your particular tastes! Many, many, many changes will be made!

Awaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Sporadic rain puctuated by lightning in the background

Ach, it’s that time again.

Yes, indeed, it ’s exam time. And I have four. Unfortunately, I am not very confident. Well, I am fairly confident for Commercial Law (I seem to have somewhat of an aptitude for it), Information Systems (I’ve done the reading each week and done fairly well at the weekly tests) and Microeconomics (I did Economics in year 11 and 12), but unless a miracle occurs I’m probably going to fail Accounting. I don’t like it, I’m not very good at it, and the concepts are difficult.
If you’ve read my previous post you’ll know one of the problems with uni is that unless you go to lengths or are lucky enough to already have a friend base there, you’re pretty much on your own. I explained then that this leads to thinking that you’re the only one barely keeping their head above water, or struggling with projects or other work. This extends to the  preparation for exams. What this all adds up to I suppose is me feeling like I know nothing about Accounting, whereas everyone else in the course are confident they will pass. It’s  making me feel very unsure about my future, and unable to do anything about it. Of course I can study, as I have been these past few days as much as I can, but nothing seems to be sticking. I guess the exam will prove whether my efforts count for anything.

It’s interesting how little things can change your attitude during a day. This can go either way, nice small surprises like finding $2 in your jeans you had forgotten about can really be uplifting, whereas something like learning you’ll be going into work an hour early that night can make you rather down. As you might have guessed, the latter happened to me today. I know I sound like I should be appreciative of the money considering the financial situation, and I am, but what I don’t appreciate is being rung about 4 hours beforehand and asked to come in early, it just seems like bam, there goes an hour of my life I thought was my own, and now it belongs to Woolworths. Ever since my old manager quit I’ve been working under someone who, while not unpleasant, puts more pressure on me than I’d like. Once again, I suppose I shouldn’t complain. I’m sure many people would love to have my job, my brother included.

I wish I could go to sleep, and when I woke up everything I was dreading will be over, which includes exams, having my wisdom teeth removed at some point, working every week. I don’t like having to worry about these things, but I know other people have more to deal with than me, which makes me feel bad about feeling bad for myself. I don’t know…maybe I’m just a conflicted person.

Bit of a downer post today, I’m sorry about that. The important thing is for you to be happy, which I’m fairly sure is easy as long as you have laughs, love and the ability to choose. Most upsetting situations arise because of people thinking they don’t have a choice in their lives, that they don’t have any control. Try to make sure that whatever life decisions come up, you yourselves are the ones who make the final choice. People sometimes like to think that they don’t have any choice in a matter, it makes them feel better, but I disagree. In the end, you always have the final say, even if it’s between life and death.

Live long and prosper!

Where is Mona? She’s long gone.

Just a quick post today, both because I’m trying for daily deals here and to satisfy my craving to type on my nice new laptop.

Today was…eh. It was okay because I was expecting the delivery of the netbook at any point between 8.30 in the morning and 5.30 in the afternoon, so there was that to look forward to. Unfortunately because I was the only one here this morning I had to get up early after working until a quarter past twelve the previous night. Still, it was worth it. You all know what my computer is already, heaven knows I’ve gone on about it enough. Nevertheless, it’s pretty cool. The annoying thing came when I had my weekly Individual Readiness Assessment Test (IRAT) in my Information Systems seminar today. We’re tested on the chapters we were required to read beforehand, and I had as a precaution both read and noted the chapter heavily, and ended up only getting 7/10 for it. Bah, humbug.

As I said above, this is only a small one. Live long and prosper, my friends!